What Is It That I Even Do Exactly?

Hi. It's been a while. I'm Kristina. And I'm going through a midlife crisis. Just kidding. I'm not. But my own personal identity has been in question as of late. This past year has been a blur. My babies are still alive. I had two babies. I have five kids. I can't believe it. 

I'm not superstitious. But every time I've ever said how good the babies are doing, disaster is around the next turn. So if you're here for baby updates you're not gonna get them. They are alive and they are well. I refuse to say much more or the baby sleeping gods may strike me down. See, not superstitious at all. 

Before I was pregnant with them I was gearing up to really make a professional push. I'm a graphic designer. It's what I went to college for, it's what I've been doing for the past... well since I graduated from college so that was ten years ago. I worked as a student designer for Bemidji State University, which was a portfolio building dream, and then after college, I was the graphic designer for Maranatha Baptist University for sevenish years I think. 

Anyways, early spring of 2019 I was reading marketing books, planning my website, and thinking about how I could gain more clients. Side note, I absolutely LOVE working for one employer - I kinda hate freelancing and trying to convince people to pay me. But, with my kids and family part-time, freelance gigs are what works best. So my plan was to really beef that up. 

Next thing I know, I'm pregnant with twins and suddenly a book on building your story brand seems completely useless. Twins completely hijacked my world. And I'm really ok with that. When I think about what I do and the life long value, I really struggle sometimes. Is making this magazine really going to help anyone or make a difference for eternity? Honestly, a lot of times - no. So I really struggle with the value of my work sometimes. Shouldn't I be doing something for the good of mankind? Idk, so I guess to make myself feel better, I design my church's bulletin covers. There, that outta do it. Mankind saved. 

For the last few years, I've had one trusty client, that I am SO thankful for. Nelson Wood Shims thanks for continually sending me work even though I don't have a website or even examples of my work anywhere online (facepalm). I am SO thankful for you. You are keeping my professional hopes and dreams alive when I'm sleep-deprived, holding two crying babies and feel like I will never be a normal human being again. If you buy a Shim (it's a thing you use to build stuff, specifically installing doors but I hear they have millions of uses) anywhere in the country, there's a good chance the packaging was made by me (whoop whoop!).

Another thing I wanna talk about. Photography. I have been taking pictures since I was old enough to save up my money to buy a camera. Before there were camera phones, there was a Canon Elf camera in my purse. Always. I grew up taking selfies with FILM cameras. I INVENTED THE SELFIE! And I have Alyssa Jackson and photo evidence to prove it. But that's not what this is about. I just really like taking pictures and I love sharing them. 

Photography was a small part of my degree and I have to use Photoshop for work all the time but I've never considered myself a photographer. Part of the reason for that is that I know there is so much to know about being a photographer. Like there is so much. F-stops, apertures, iso, lighting. I just like taking pictures I've never wanted to learn about that stuff. 

Last year one of my bff's Stephanie Holsman got the brilliant idea to take my little bit of photography knowledge, strong design sense, and ridiculous love of weddings to train me to second shoot weddings with her. The girl is an AMAZING photographer. I knew she was good but I didn't realize how good she was until I started working with her. She goes so far above and beyond. She's a perfectionist and knows the perfect angle and lighting to put her clients in to make them look their best. Her photos literally look better than real life, and it's not due to crazy editing. She just really knows what she's doing. AND she's a former teacher. She can't help herself. I keep asking questions and she keeps teaching me. 

When Asa was about six months old I bought my first DSLR camera. It was about an $800 investment but I only shot in auto. Stephanie, bless her heart, forced me to shoot in manual. And now I like actually know what I'm doing. Not that I'm doing it well 100% of the time. But I know what I should be doing! Stephanie has let me borrow her camera (crazy generous, I know) a few times and it's just soooo much better than mine. I've been going through inner turmoil most of the summer trying to decide if I should buy a better one. And a couple weeks ago I did. Insert Canon Mark iii with angels singing.

So naturally I've been going through more inner turmoil. What am I doing with my life? I bought this camera? Now what? Am I trying to be a photographer? Who do I think I am? 

So yeah, this post is helping me hash that out. So in conclusion. I am a wife, mom and friend. Trying to follow Jesus. I'm a graphic designer. I'm also a photographer - currently second shooting for weddings, products, and family sessions. My short term goal for photography is to be able to make enough to cover my initial camera investment. And then to be able to buy a decent lens (which I don't have) This is the one I want drool drool or maybe this one.

I know it's a little silly. Typing this all out. But really, after all these kids, you really start to loose yourself a little bit. Like I legit need to remind myself who I am. Who I was. 

Alright. Enough dilly dallying. I've got babies to wake up and kids to pick up from school. Peace out.