Stories

Where to begin. Since the babies were born I've loved sharing lots of stories on Instagram and Facebook. While I was in the shower (where I do all my great thinking) I started to think about how I haven't been sharing very much. And then I started to think about why. Thus started a reflection on the last few days/weeks.

It's been a blur. And after thinking about it I've realized there's been like a somewhat traumatic/exhausting type experience every day for a while now. Maybe this is the new normal? Oh I hope not. After realizing this, I started to pray for a normal day. A day without anything extraordinary.

I'm realizing that basically everything ordinary turns extraordinary with twins. Simple things like a grocery trip are now photo worthy. Everyone has been so supportive and your comments on my posts are almost too much. I'm realizing that half the battle, if not all of it, is putting yourself in the best position to succeed. I took Louisa and the girls to Walmart the other day. We had nothing else going on, the babies had just been changed and feed, so they were happy and we weren't in a hurry. We had a great time. But doing that in a hurry with hungry crabby kids - what a nightmare that would be. So yes, grocery shopping with two babies and a three year old is a great feat - but at the right time, it was ehh I wouldn't say easy but it was fun.

Last Tuesday, was one of the worst days. Louisa had an epic freak out moment. Possibly the worst behavior one of my kids has ever had. So we don't want to forget that of course (sarcasm). Rivaling Asa's swimming lesson freak outs (wouldn't want to forget about those either now would we?)

A very trusted and familiar friend usually takes Louisa to preschool twice a week. Well, last week a different very trusted and familiar friend was taking her. And she lost it. It was horrible. I had given her enough of a warning, she knew in advance. But she lost it anyways. It was embarrassing. Horrific. I was having flash backs to movies I've seen of children being ripped away from their mothers by the nazis. That's how dramatic she was. Kicking and screaming while I buckled her in! It was so bad, after it all, I came in the house and held back tears. Praying out loud again. I knew I was thinking lies you're a terrible mother. how could you do that to her? you made the wrong choice, you shouldn't have done that! etc. 

I'd like to take this time to shout out to my amazing friend who witnessed and dealt with my child and is currently, I believe, still my friend, you know who you are. All the heart emojis.

The reason I couldn't have just taken her myself is because the babies and I had back to back to back doctors appointments. Which we were ten minutes late to thanks to that whole incident. The babies had well child check ups plus shots... I had debated about asking someone to come with me to help just because watching or holding your baby while they get shots is traumatic enough, let alone two. I mean, even a well child check up without shots is tough to handle with two babies. But I felt like I needed to start handling things by myself.

Anyways, alone I go. I get into the room with the nurse and she asks me how I'm doing, you know you have to fill out one of those mental health questionnaire things. Oh the timing. So naturally I break down and cry in front of her. Telling her I had just been to war with a three year old and bla bla bla. I may have won the battle but I did not escape the trauma. Crying. Not pretty.

The babies get checked out, everything is ok. Kendall isn't gaining weight as well as Lily, so we need to watch that. Then it's time for the shots and two nurses walk in and say that they have extra help so I can step out if I'd like and they could bring me the babies as they're done, for me to nurse. I took it as an answer to prayer. I had been anxious and praying about being in there alone and was dreading it. I thought then, I will be a better more stable mom if I don't have to witness my poor sweet little girls crying like that. I was there to comfort them right when they were done, they did so good. So thank the Lord that turned out ok. I was so thankful.

Ok after all that, don't forget, next up is me. Time for my IUD check up. Strap those sore little (sleeping thankfully) babes into their carseats and away we go down the hall to our next appt. Funny again, how what would have previously be an unenjoyable experience turns into the easiest after the morning I had had. Such a mess of emotions.

After school Louisa seemed completely fine. We had a big long talk about how she can't act like that. If something bad was happening or someone was taking her that shouldn't have been, that is exactly how I'd want her to act. But if her MOM, if I'm the one telling her to do something, she cannot act like that.

The next day the babies were a little crabby after their shots. They took their turns, one would fuss for 20 minutes while the other slept, then the other would wake up and fuss while the other one finally crashed. It was a back and forth juggling act all day. Then the most stressful thing about that day was the 45 minutes before Awanas when both babies were crying in their beds while our whole family tore our whole house apart looking for Lincolns Awana book. My house is pretty clean and we've worked hard to keep things organized and for everything to have a home. But we could not find that blasted book! I know it sounds dumb but almost nothing is more frustrating to me than looking for something that should be here but isn't! We didn't find it until a week later. It had gotten buried under some coats I was putting away into our storage room, of course.

Thursday morning was dentist appointments. And although I did make a joke about it being a break, taking three kids to the dentist is stressful no matter what you're escaping. Drove the boys back to school. Had grandparents over to watch the babies, thank goodness! Remember I'm doing a postpartum work out challenge? Snuck that in while the babies and Lou napped. Nursed babies. Boys got home, ran them off to basketball practice. Pumped, got cleaned up to go out with my husband and some of his coworkers (since we had the grandparents there babysitting. yay!) I wore makeup AND contacts. I should have taken a picture, I know. Got back home. Nursed babies.

My husband and father-in-law start talking about vehicles and how we need to start looking into getting something bigger for our family. It's true. We find some exciting options online and my mind is swirling with ideas. I love spending money. But we've gotta get to bed, we're taking our family skiing tomorrow. We've gotta get everyone packed, make lunches, etc... Oh and get some sleep.

Spent all Friday skiing, I spent most of my day in the chalet. It was a great time. BUT IT WAS EXHAUSTING!!! So much work with five kids. So. Much. Work. Side note, Asa has been complaining of a his head hurting really bad with no other symptoms for the last few days. So we'd been giving him ibuprofen during this time. I'll write more about that in another post. But just one more thing. I swear my mind has soooo many tabs open.

I'm not trying to complain at all through any of this. I'm just trying to process... what lead to my breakdowns. And after getting this all out, I understand.

Saturday morning, you guessed it we had basketball all morning. Which we love. It is so fun taking and watching the boys. We really don't mind it at all. My heart like explodes when I see them playing.

Sunday church and then a birthday party in the evening. And oddly enough a birthday party that I had really been looking forward too. Mostly because it was a swimming party and I remember learning about it and wondering if I would be able to go with the boys because of my c-section. And then figuring out that yes, I should be able to swim then. So yeah, it was just something I was really looking forward too. A little silly I know. But getting excited about an eight year old's birthday party is where I'm at in life.

All of this is what lead to my four bad days. Where I cried four days in a row. Not four days straight, but once each day. And I'm saying this because man all these supermom comments, I mean, I'm trying, but it's hard ya'll. There are some really good moments and then there are some really bad moments.

Like on the next Monday where I had yelled at Louisa to get back to bed while I was sobbing while holding two swaddled sobbing babies. They were napping so horribly after such a crazy out and about week. All four of us girls were crying at the same time. I thought that was a pretty notable moment.

After reflecting on all of this, it reminded me of my last big breakdown on Christmas Eve, remember?  And what was my problem then? I was doing too much! Since realizing that I'm trying to take a couple steps back. Go back to my mindset when they were just born. Barely leave the house. Five days home, one day out. Or something like that.

I don't think being busy is a good thing. I'm not the type of person that has to be busy all the time - or glorifies being busy. So I'm not telling you all this to be like yay look at me I'm so busy. I'm just explaining my life and tying it back into what I started with - why I stopped sharing stories on social media for awhile.

I think it's because, at least with me, I have to be like thinking clearly and be mostly mentally stable in order to share. And I haven't necessarily been that way the last couple weeks. Not saying, that if I'm not sharing stuff on facebook you can assume I'm at home having a mental breakdown lol. I guess I don't really know what I'm saying anymore. Which is a good enough reason to quit.

If you're still here. Thanks for reading.