I'm Still Here

Hello hair loss my old friend.

I was reminded of it as I showered before we left the hospital. I ran my fingers through my hair and a glob of hair came out. "That was weird" I thought as I smeared it onto the shower wall. Ran my fingers through my hair again and the same thing happened. Ohhhhhhh I remember this.

That last shower is also where it really hit me. Through the end of my pregnancy, giving birth, and now even postpartum my emotions so far have been pretty in check (shocking I know). But that last shower got to me. I love having babies. Being pregnant is usually the worst for me. I don't enjoy it. Honestly, every time it's gotten slightly easier - but that's irrelevant. I know actually giving birth is no fun/the most pain I've ever been in but it's the end. And I get to finally see my baby (or ya know babies if you're an overachiever). That's like the best feeling ever. The nurses are so nice to you. You get to order as much food as you want. You don't have to do the dishes, etc. Oh that reminds me, we had to stay an extra day at the hospital and several friends commented how exhausting that must be to be at the hospital all week. And I'm like "girl have you BEEN to my house?! There's food to make, dishes to wash, laundry to fold, toys to put away. Laying here with the nurses bringing me apple juice every time I push this button. This is a Carnival Cruise!"

Anyways, back to the shower. Now I struggle turning the water off in the shower in general. Standing in the hot shower - I never want it to end. It's wonderful. But now here in the hospital knowing the nurse was finalizing my checkout papers and Micah was on his way back with the minivan. Thinking "I did it". I have had all my kids. I'm never (probably) going to have another baby. I will never be at a hospital under these circumstances again. Once I turn off this water it's all over. It's the end of an era! I started to bawl.

Knowing that these babies will probably be our last has helped us have a better attitude about how difficult it is. I mean, two - really kind of sealed the deal for me. I used to wonder how women know when it's their last and know they want to be done. Having twins - I can't believe I had twins - when I saw those two little dots on that ultrasound machine, I was like this is it. I'm done. There is no need for more. We are going out with a bang.

Our focus with these babies has been to enjoy every stage. So often with our other kids we thought "oh I can't wait until they're not so tiny, or sleeping more, or sitting up, or crawling, or whatever". And yeah I'm still totally looking forward to oh my goodness gracious four hours of beautiful sleep in a row (all the heart emojis) but man they're really only infants for like seven weeks or something like that, I think I read. So fast. I know I'm probably gonna totally eat my words and feel like killing myself tonight but man, that's what I signed up for.

I don't know if you found, after having a baby you kind of turned into a homebody of sorts? I love getting out of the house - like everyday I wanna get out of the house for at least something. Being around lots of people usually just energizes me. But I've found that I've gotten overwhelmed quite easily since having the girls. Maybe even a little bit of social anxiety. Nothing serious, just like it's overwhelming. (Could also be that I'm not sleeping or thinking clearly, could be playing a small roll, just a guess)

The point of all of this is that on Christmas Eve we spent the morning packing, giving the babies a bath, feeding them, packing, etc. Drove to my parents house, fed the babies, played. Drove to Micah's parents house unpacked our gifts, helped make food, fed the babies, house full of people, had a great time. Went to church, Christmas Eve service - sang a song in front of everyone I might add, talked to a lot of people, had a great time. Went back to Micah's parents house, ate, drank, laughed, opened presents, oh yeah and feed the babies. 9:30 pm drove back to my parents house for the night. We got there and I just lost it. I was so unbelievably exhausted. For the past five weeks when I leave the house I do one thing. One stop. Not two. One. Like only Target or only Super One. Not Target and Super One. No, that would  be too much. And when I come home from that I need to rest, a nap or at least lay on the couch for awhile. Christmas Eve I did everything. Like I normally would. But it was just too much. And I was a physically and emotionally exhausted mess. Crying while putting my kids jammies on.

Micah felt so sorry for me and my parents and kids were wonderful and comforting. But ya know, yeah I broke down balling on Christmas Eve. Who doesn't!? (kidding) But it's ok. I have three kids and twin newborns. Breaking down and crying is completely normal. And I'm ok with that.