Rainy Days and Thursdays

Hey sorry I didn't respond to your text, call or polo.

What I've got they used to call the blues. Nothin' is really wrong. Feelin' like I don't belong.

The weather just gets me. We've had several cold, rainy, gray days lately and I can tell. Is pre-baby blues a thing? This week it really has been hitting me what I'm in for. I met with an amazing and generous twin mom to get some advice and buy all the twin things and it just started to feel real. Not like it hasn't been before but I don't know. Maybe it was just overwhelming for me. I had a pretty big almost like anxiety attack type break down that night. Where it's like slightly hard to breathe kind of crying. I cry a lot but usually it's not that bad.

I think the root of it was that I was at the end of a crazy super long busy day. A big event that I had been preparing for weeks for was done, I'm sure a huge relief. Plus Micah was gone that evening and I had all three kids by myself. I made the mistake of going to Target with all of them to get Lincoln a couple things. Louisa and Asa behaved terribly. Lincoln took FOREVER to pick out the lego set he wanted (with his birthday money) meanwhile Asa and Lou asked me to buy them about one thousand things that I said no to. I was tired, I just wanted to go home and the kids were just putzing down the aisle. And then I clipped Lincoln (the only one who was actually doing a good job in the store) in the ankles with the cart. I felt so bad. He starts crying (which he really barely ever does) I'm hugging him while Asa is asking me to buy a dog toy. I say "Asa be quiet and SIT!" so he plops down and starts crying too.

We get home and I have to put them to bed by myself. Through this whole experience I keep hearing whispers of "you think this is hard?" "how are you going to survive with two more?" "imagine how much worse you'll feel when you haven't slept in a month?" Thinking back now. Man, I should have just stopped then and there and prayed. But I didn't. I get them all to bed on time, so needing a few moments by myself and they kept getting up every five minutes. Can you do cry-it-out with a five year old? I thought to myself... I didn't.

The past couple weeks I have kind of wished away. Two weeks ago my best friend and neighbor moved. And that really sucked. I love hard. Not in a creepy way. But I remember leaving my roommates after going to college in Missouri for two years and I cried like a baby. Driving away from Livia and Traci I could feel my heart breaking. I'm not trying to be over dramatic. It's just when you've spent so much time with someone and have such good memories with someone and things change and you know they'll never be the same, it's just hard on me. And I don't do well. I tried explaining this to my brother the other day and he was like "oh wow, I'm sorry, how far away is she moving?" and I'm like "eight minutes..." He thought I was being ridiculous. And maybe I am. Knowing that doesn't seem to stop me from having a pity party for myself.

School started, my husband who has been here with us all summer is gone all day now. I know most people have husbands who work all year round and have no sympathy for me but I'm telling you it's just been a lot of changes at once.

Whether it's pregnancy hormones or what I have just been so emotional lately.

Asa started kindergarten. Louisa started preschool. I somehow still have a small but difficult pile of design work that I'm not particularly enjoying. Uffda if you don't have something nice to say don't say it at all, that's where I'm at right now.







^^ That blank space is me keeping the rest of my bla negative thoughts to myself.

On top of all that... Micah and I started watching Lost, I can't remember if I mentioned that. But we started watching that sometime last spring/winter maybe? I can't remember. We never watched it when it was popular I remember my friends watching it in college but I basically knew nothing about it. It has one hundred and twenty two episodes. It's been the highlight of our evenings, getting the kids to bed, cuddling up and watching Lost, all spring and summer. And you guessed it, we just finished it this week. ENOUGH WITH THE CHANGES!!!!!

What do I have to look forward to at the end of the day? Does my life still have meaning?

Can I just have one constant in my life? I know what you're thinking dishes, laundry, cleaning, thank goodness for the constant messiness of my house. I don't even want to think about how I'd be feeling if suddenly that went away! .... I'm kidding.

The kids are actually doing really well with school starting. Better than I had thought. I was running all sorts of worst case scenarios in my mind with Asa going to school. Have I told you he cries a lot? He does. Poor guy, don't know where he gets it from. But anyways, he claims to have not cried once at school yet. So that's amazing. I was sure I would have to walk away from his classroom with him dragging on my leg, half on the floor sobbing behind me. But he went to school without a fuss. Praise the Lord.

However, when he came home from the first day of school, if you saw my Instastory, he ran happily to my arms. I gave him a big hug and I noticed he still had his gym shoes on, instead of his come home/outside shoes. I asked him about it and he immediately burst into tears sobbing "they told me to wear these ones home and I don't like these ones very much I like the other ones better!" he cried. So, ya know, slow progress.

Whew getting this off my chest is a relief. All the things you can't really tell a person when they ask you how you're doing. I mean, I really am doing good. It's just that who doesn't have a bunch of stuff going on in their life?

Again, I'd love to try to find some positive spin to leave you with so you don't think I'm some type of mental person. But it's probably too late for that. And it's still raining soo... See ya next time. Thanks for reading.