In the Bleak Mid Winter

My brother just called. And saved me from spilling a whole bunch of garbage onto the internet. I had several paragraphs written out that wouldn't have helped anyone. I've been getting really crabby lately. Really down and discouraged. And there's a nice way to say that and then there's a spewing garbage and grumpiness to everyone kind of way to say it. So be happy, this is the cleaned up version!

January is just hard. If I could skip it I would. It's so easy to just think, I can't wait till my kids are out of the house and we're retired and we can just leave for the whole month. Imagine if we only did fun things for the whole month of January. Maybe I would love that month again. Imagine renting a tiny place on the ocean somewhere. That's my dream. Oh, sixty-five can't come soon enough.

(just imagine some more grays and wrinkless in this pic)

I'm stressed about money. The desire to save, save, save and the reality that we're a family of five living on one income are at odds. I haven't bought any clothes this month. Go me. But there's like four or five other random $100 expenses flying outta my bank account this month. The root of my problem is I keep comparing myself to others. It's ugly. And I've been jealous. And jealous of complete opposites that's the annoying thing. Give me anyone's scenario and I'll find a way to be jealous of them. It's got to stop.

One reason I've been in a bad mood is because my kids won't eat. Every single meal has been a struggle lately. Louisa is not a picky eater - she's proven that by chowing down on vomit and rotten egg jelly beans and asking for seconds on elderberry syrup and straight black coffee. She just only eats what she wants when she wants it. Cookies yes. Snacks yes. Meals no. I will not lose to her. She cannot win. But ugh it is exhausting and just demoralizing. It does something to my face. Even now, it's like my face, my eyebrows are stuck in a scowl. Asa too. Lincoln not so much. I don't have any complaints about Lincolns eating. But these other two. I'm pretty sure starving children in Africa are actually like eternally happy. No one's torturing them to take another bite. To stay at the table till they finish their food. What pure bliss they must live in.

A huge praise, however, is that compared to years past, this January has been a breeze. My Facebook memories for this week have been nothing but sickness. For the last two years in a row 2017 and 2018 on this day our family has been sick. I feel like I need to like say a prayer of remembrance (is that a thing?) that we survived January 2018. It was so so awful. And yesterday 2017 I had posted the Buzz and Woody "Vomit, vomit everywhere" meme. So that couldn't have been good. (I had three kids ages 11 months, 2 yrs, and 5 yrs plus working how did I survive!?!?) All that to say even though we have a few sniffles right now I am so thankful to be about as healthy as a family could be during the month of January. And take that as a friendly reminder to wipe your whole house down with Clorox wipes and Lysol just in case and take another swig of elderberry syrup just for good measure.