This is a post I wrote almost a year ago. But was afraid to post it. It's personal. And honestly, I really do not want to offend any mom that's making a different decision. I want to stand out. I want to be different. But then, there's a pretty big part of me, that wants to be just like everybody else. To fit in and be part of the group. And that's why I didn't want to talk about this. I don't want any mom reading what I'm doing and feeling bad because they're doing something different. Because I have a big tendency to do things like that. We all have to do what is in our families best interest. And oh life would be so much easier if they were all the same. Because then I could just copy somebody else and I'd be set. But no, we've all got our own unique set of challenges. And the same solution will not work for us all.
Complicated. Women are complicated. The other day I was saying to my husband "Two things. That's all you have to do. Go to work and love your family. (which he does awesomely, I should add) While here I am floating in the wind being blown a million different directions. Should I work? Should I not? Should I do this? Should I do that? What are we having for dinner? La la la la la" The work + life balance since having kids has been a constant struggle for me. And was the inspiration for the name of this blog, that, and an Usher song. I didn't picture being an adult/mom looking like this. I thought you grew up, got a job, had kids, you quit your job to be a stay at home mom, or you put your kids in daycare and kept working. I never realized there was this muddy middle ground of indecision where you can work part-time, or do this from home, or this on the side, etc. In addition to keeping your kids alive of course.
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October-ish 2016
Where am I these days? Thanks for asking. Some changes have taken place, I've changed a bit. See for the past 5 years I've been trying to find myself. Since becoming a mom I've been trying to figure out who I am. What kind of mom am I? What are my goals? What do I want to do with my life? And what kind of life can I have now that I have kids?
I've never had strong feelings about being a stay at home mom. I've never had strong feelings about being a working mom. All I knew is that I didn't want someone else completely raising my kids. I didn't want to be dropping them off at daycare all day every day if I could help it. That much I knew.
(no offense to moms out there doing this. holla!)
But I have had the opportunity to work part-time from home. So what do I do then? That's where I've been the last few years. Kinda stuck in the middle. Not really sure what to do, not feeling a strong leaning one way or another. So I've just kept working. Every year somehow, we've made it work.
It really started this Fall when I had a long chat with a friend who travels the world and makes a ton of money doing it. He told me how it really wasn't as fun as it sounds. He's away from his family all the time, it's super stressful, he never takes vacations, etc. Now, I know he's the main income in his family, where I am not, so that's an obvious difference. But it just made me think, wow, no amount of money would be worth that to me. No amount of money would be worth the stress and sacrificing time with my family. I mean isn't family the most important? Isn't investing in your own family the most important thing you could do? It was easy for me to look at his life and think, yeah no, I would never do that. But then I thought more. And scaled way down, in my own way, was I doing that exact thing?
I don't make a ton of money doing what I do. I make a ridiculously low amount of money doing what I do actually. But it's stressful. It makes me grumpy. I feel like I am a subpar employee and a subpar mom. Finding childcare is stressful. I thought I had something set up for this year, but it fell through. And I'm thinking maybe that was for the best. I was set up to pay over half of what I was making in childcare. And for what? For someone else to play with my kids? Do I really love my job that much? Now, I know sometimes you've gotta do what you gotta do when you need to make ends meet. But we're not there right now. I can stop buying random things and we can get by on one income. Why am I doing this to myself?
Anyways, bottom line is, I've cut way back in my work. And I feel really good about it.
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So yeah, that's what I was so scared to say last year. Shocking. Nah, not really. But at the time, yes. It's scary to put your thoughts out there in real time. Much safer to say what you were feeling a year later after you know everything will turn out ok. Currently, I'm still juggling things and trying to find balances. I have few answers and many of thoughts. Story of my life. See next years post for what I'm really thinking.
Complicated. Women are complicated. The other day I was saying to my husband "Two things. That's all you have to do. Go to work and love your family. (which he does awesomely, I should add) While here I am floating in the wind being blown a million different directions. Should I work? Should I not? Should I do this? Should I do that? What are we having for dinner? La la la la la" The work + life balance since having kids has been a constant struggle for me. And was the inspiration for the name of this blog, that, and an Usher song. I didn't picture being an adult/mom looking like this. I thought you grew up, got a job, had kids, you quit your job to be a stay at home mom, or you put your kids in daycare and kept working. I never realized there was this muddy middle ground of indecision where you can work part-time, or do this from home, or this on the side, etc. In addition to keeping your kids alive of course.
------------
October-ish 2016
Where am I these days? Thanks for asking. Some changes have taken place, I've changed a bit. See for the past 5 years I've been trying to find myself. Since becoming a mom I've been trying to figure out who I am. What kind of mom am I? What are my goals? What do I want to do with my life? And what kind of life can I have now that I have kids?
I've never had strong feelings about being a stay at home mom. I've never had strong feelings about being a working mom. All I knew is that I didn't want someone else completely raising my kids. I didn't want to be dropping them off at daycare all day every day if I could help it. That much I knew.
(no offense to moms out there doing this. holla!)
But I have had the opportunity to work part-time from home. So what do I do then? That's where I've been the last few years. Kinda stuck in the middle. Not really sure what to do, not feeling a strong leaning one way or another. So I've just kept working. Every year somehow, we've made it work.
It really started this Fall when I had a long chat with a friend who travels the world and makes a ton of money doing it. He told me how it really wasn't as fun as it sounds. He's away from his family all the time, it's super stressful, he never takes vacations, etc. Now, I know he's the main income in his family, where I am not, so that's an obvious difference. But it just made me think, wow, no amount of money would be worth that to me. No amount of money would be worth the stress and sacrificing time with my family. I mean isn't family the most important? Isn't investing in your own family the most important thing you could do? It was easy for me to look at his life and think, yeah no, I would never do that. But then I thought more. And scaled way down, in my own way, was I doing that exact thing?
I don't make a ton of money doing what I do. I make a ridiculously low amount of money doing what I do actually. But it's stressful. It makes me grumpy. I feel like I am a subpar employee and a subpar mom. Finding childcare is stressful. I thought I had something set up for this year, but it fell through. And I'm thinking maybe that was for the best. I was set up to pay over half of what I was making in childcare. And for what? For someone else to play with my kids? Do I really love my job that much? Now, I know sometimes you've gotta do what you gotta do when you need to make ends meet. But we're not there right now. I can stop buying random things and we can get by on one income. Why am I doing this to myself?
Anyways, bottom line is, I've cut way back in my work. And I feel really good about it.
----------
So yeah, that's what I was so scared to say last year. Shocking. Nah, not really. But at the time, yes. It's scary to put your thoughts out there in real time. Much safer to say what you were feeling a year later after you know everything will turn out ok. Currently, I'm still juggling things and trying to find balances. I have few answers and many of thoughts. Story of my life. See next years post for what I'm really thinking.
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